Thanksgiving Rescue Plan

Many of you are experiencing anxiety as you are going to be seeing relatives that you haven't seen recently and maybe with good reason. Some of you are stressed because you are on a diet and you are going to be peer pressured to eat so much that you pass out in a carb-induced stupor. I recommend that all of you relax. If you are on a diet save that for the day after Thanksgiving if you are anxious about seeing relatives that you successfully avoided the rest of the year just let loose get drunk and eat lots of food. This advice is not meant for alcoholics, diabetics or those who have recently had that stomach stapling surgery. If you fall in one of those categories you are out of luck.
Times are tough all over especially in Detroit. I have a plan to end the suffering of millions of people all over the country. We'll call it the Thanksgiving Bailout. Actually the previous bailout bill did not pass until they changed the name from bailout to rescue or recovery instead. So we should probably call it the Thanksgiving Rescue Plan.

Usually you can try avoid everyone by watching football. Some years the games are good some years not so much. The NFL plays one game in Detroit and the other in Dallas every year. This is a tradition that the NFL has continued as a reward to those two franchises for agreeing to play on Thanksgiving years ago when no one else wanted to do so. I have heard some people state that the NFL should lift blackout restrictions in Detroit because the econonmy is worse in Detroit than anywhere else due to the struggles of the auto-industry. I understand that many people in Detroit can't afford to go to Lions games and it does seem cruel to not let them watch the games because they didn't sell enough tickets. It would also probably seem like piling on by getting rid of the tradition of having games in Detroit and Dallas every year. My rescue plan is to have those two cities rotate hosting one of the games. The other game could be played in a city other than Dallas or Detroit. Detroit does not have a win this season and is playing against Tennessee who is undefeated. I think watching the Lions is only adding to the stress level of people living in Detroit so maybe every other year they can spend Thanksgiving not watching the Lions. It is not possible to schedule a worse game than the Lions against the Titans. The only thing we can hope for is that Tennesse eats their Thanksgiving dinner prior to the game and went out the night before and partied on the night that has become the biggest drinking night of the year. If they are falling asleep all game in the middle of play and being taken back to the lockeroom for intervenous fluids there is a slight possiblity the game will be close. The Cowboys game is not a historically bad matchup, but the Cowboys are clearly better than the Seahawks. There is also a game on the NFL Network later that night, but no one gets that channel.

It is too late to implement the Thanksgiving Rescue Plan for this year so until then get drunk, eat as much food as humanly possible and try not to stress yourself out so much. Seriously it is a time to give thanks. Give thanks that we have an abundance of alcohol. Give thanks that even during a time where our economy is falling apart you are able to get together with friends and family and eat so much that you will have committed at least one of the seven deadly sins, maybe more if your relatives keep annoying you. I happen to like Thanksgiving. It doesn't stress me out at all. I will probably sleep through most of the second football game anyway. I'll wake up and have some pie and watch the rest of the game. I don't even usually drink on Thanksgiving, but I am thankful that if I choose to I have the option to do so. There are some things that I don't have that I wish I did (J.O.M.C. premium membership included) but I am not going to stress myself out about that right now. Maybe next year I will have those things that I wished for, but if not at least let there be one good football game on a channel that I can actually get. If you still can't cheer up despite any of this advice just look at the picture I included along with this post. If that does not make you laugh then there is no rescue plan which would lift your spirits.