I Resolve to Be Less Lame

I am sitting in front of my keyboard blogging on New Year's Eve. Extremely tentative plans for New Year's had fallen through so having no plans I watched Tropic Thunder as blogged about earlier and then watched the Dark Knight which I will not blog about. It was great, but I don't really have much to say about it except Director Christopher Nolan and the late Heath Ledger were incredible. The movies were over at 11:15 so so I avoided watching the New Year's Eve Specials until I finally relented at about 11:51.

I was not too excited about watching either of the New Year's Eve Specials as the choice was either Miley Cyrus on MTV or Dick Clark's special hosted by Ryan Seacrest on MTV. I reluctantly went with Dick Clark and was frightened upon turning it on to see Miley Cyrus, but I realized it was a commercial for Disneyland or something like that. So at least I did have a decision after all rather than choosing two different specials with Miley on them. It quickly got worse though as the screen soon showed Ryan Seacrest, the Jonas Brothers, Lionel Ritchie and various other untalented pop stars with whom I wasn't too familiar. Also along with Ryan Seacrest they had this ditzy blond American Idol reject named Kelly Pickler interviewing the crowd and she provided the only slight laugh of the night for me when she said I love you Dick. Yeah I know I am easily amused. I only watched it for 10 minutes just to see the ball drop and no that was not some sort of puberty joke about the Jonas Brothers. Not that it matters if their balls drop because supposedly they are saving themselves for marriage. If that is true they are going to be kicking themselves someday when they are washed up 40 year olds on some sort celebrity rehab show. As much as I don't like them I hope for their sake that this is a publicity stunt and they are really hooking up with all sorts of groupies.

So obviously based on the contents of this post so far on this particular New Year's and also for far too much of the past year I did not lead too exciting a life. My 2009 resolution is to be less lame in the coming year. Next New Year I need to go to Vegas, Prague, Montreal or at the very least Boston. I was a little depressed thinking that 79 year old Dick Clark in the studio was more drunk than I was sitting in my house as I had only had one beer so far. Of course I knew he was not drunk, but had recovered from a stroke a few years earlier which makes me a jerk I guess, but I think there is a possibility that Dick Clark is in fact the Devil. I thought he was close to 100 a few years ago and before he had the stroke he seemed to have eternal youth. Obviously I seemed to have been off by a few years and the stroke seems to disprove my theory. Of course the greatest trick the Devil ever played was making the world believe he didn't exist or something to that effect.

The sad thing is I still had that show on in the background and I actually kind of enjoyed this guy named Neyo's performance I think it was because I was expecting it to be one of the wonderful performers I talked about earlier and it was a relief when it turned out to be someone other than the Jonas Brothers. I just got another beer and now the Pussycat Dolls are on. Ryan Seacrest said something about them being able to sing and looking good. If it wasn't for the fact that they were females I would think he was hitting on them. Maybe if he had said it about the Jonas Brothers that would have been his reason. The lead pussycat (pictured below) dates Lewis Hamilton the champion race car driver from Formula 1 and she is attractive and exotic looking, but to say she is a good singer is not entirely honest. In fact I think it is possible the Pusscat Dolls are less talented than the Spice Girls. I had to quickly turn the channel when some terrible act named Jesse McCartney came on after the first note I changed channels and realized there was a third show on NBC hosted by Carson Daly. He is not my favorite but I would have chosen him over the other two if I knew I could have. His show ended as soon as I turned it on. Good times.



So next year my plan is to kick some ass beginning with the blog. This post is not included because I started it before midnight. So it is allowed to be lame thankfully. Unfortunately I am usually horrible at following my resolutions. Last year I resolved to be a millionaire this year, but obviously that didn't happen. I am closer to being a hundredaire than a millionaire. Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind. Celebrate good times and other such songs of joy do nothing to lift my spirits. Even the joker who has a perpetual smile was unable to cheer me up. I received 2 text messages wishing me a happy New Year and one of them was from a # I did not recognize so either it was someone I know using a different number than I have them listed at or it was a wrong number. I cheerfully wished them a happy New Year anyway and I will do the same to all 3 of you who make it to this end of this woeful post. Hopefully the picture of the singer from the Pussycat Dolls kept you interested otherwise I am sorry and I hope your New Year's Eve was significantly better than mine. At the very least I resolve to get drunk next year if I end up sitting at home by myself at least then maybe my blog will be more interesting.

Tropic Thunder is the Funniest Movie of the Year

Quick thoughts after watching Tropic Thunder. Yeah I know everyone else has probably seen it already. If you haven't make sure you do right away. I laughed out loud constantly during the movie. Most of the time I was laughing it was at Robert Downey Jr's character. He is certainly one of the most talented actors in Hollywood. I was really impressed by Ben Stiller for directing and co-writing the screenplay. Much like Will Ferrell, Stiller has been coasting the last few years making mostly mediocre and sometimes completely unfunny comedies. He usually played the same character and it seemed like he took whatever part was offered to him. Obviously he has a keen comedic sense so it seems odd that he would take so many bad roles. Hopefully he continues to make more ballsy movies like this instead of moronic comedies like the Heartbreak Kid or Along Came Polly.



The most surprising performance in the movie belongs to Tom Cruise. I had heard through the grapevine that he had a cameo and that it was amazingly funny and unlike anything Tom Cruise had done before. I don't want to give anything away that will ruin it for those who haven't seen it so let me just say that he was even better than I had heard he was going to be. Everyone knows he is crazy in real life, but he shows here that given the right material he can do comedy really well and also that he is willing to make an ass out of himself which I would not have expected. Well he generally does that anytime he does an interview, but the video on Youtube about his views on Scientology and his erratic behavior on Oprah were unintentional comedy. Pretty much everyone else in the movie was good including Danny McBride (Pineapple Express, the Foot Fist Way ) who is not well known yet, but has been good in all three of the movies I have seen him in. The one minor exception was Jack Black. He was not terrible, but other than the fake trailer of his movie at the beginning which was good, his character was a bit of a miss or at least when compared to everyone else. There are tons of cameos in the movie none of which are comparable to Tom Cruise's hilarious cameo. It was a great surprise that this movie beat out Pineapple Express as my favorite comedy of the year. I was a huge fan of Pineapple Express and it was a really funny movie, but it did not have nearly as many moments where I found myself unable to control my laughter. If you are easily offended or are overly politically correct maybe this is not the movie for you, but for everyone else I highly recommend it.

Google Reader Will Change Your Life It Changed Mine

I used to be a sad lonely shell of a man until i discovered Google Reader. Now my Google Reader inbox is constantly filled with interesting articles, blogs, videos, recipes and all sorts of other things. I don't have to spend hours refreshing the page on my favorite sites I just click the feed button on the site and it sends me to a page asking which web-based feed reader I want to use. I use Google Reader as it has a similar feel and ease of use to gmail which I also use. There are many other feed aggregators as well, but I am not familiar with them so I cannot recommend one. Some other readers include MyYahoo, MyAOL, Bloglines, etc. If you click Google it will ask you if you want to use Google Homepage or Reader. I select Reader and just like that the content of the site or blog is automatically in your Reader inbox. Even my blog has a feed so if you click the box on the left that says subscribe in a reader and you can add my feed to your Google Reader or whatever other program you use. https://www.google.com/reader/ Try it changed my life and it can happen to you too. I suggest everyone give it a try if they are not using another reader. Also if you sign up to view my feed you will get an update every time I post something. Maybe you think that is not a good thing, but eventually you will learn to love it.

There are many ways to accomplish this other than using Google Reader. There are live bookmark feeds in Firefox. I know when you click on the subscribe in a reader button on my blog you can even sign up to receive posts in your regular email. Wow that sounds too good to be true how much does this cost a hundred dollars? No you get all of this for free. I look at it the same way I do a d.v.r. Some people tell me they don't need a d.v.r. because they don't watch a lot of t.v. well in that case you need it more because then when you actually do want to watch it you have shows or in this case articles or blog posts that you know you will enjoy ready for you and of course you'll have my blog too. Yeah I know you are not that crazy about it yet, but you will learn to love it soon.

Treeman: I Wanna Be Oneless

Last night I watched a fascinating two part documentary on TLC. It was about a man whose body was covered in strange warts that alone would not have been so interesting, but the warts on his hands and feet had somehow mutated to give the appearance of his arms and legs being tree limbs. The man whose name is Dede lives in Indonesia. A dermatologist from John Hopkins in Maryland learns of the plight of Dede and begins to try to discover what is wrong with him in hopes of curing him. The Indonesian government upon discovering the American doctors efforts decides to take matters into their own hands.

In an obvious attempt to grab headlines the Indonesian Government with the blessing of their President plans a much more aggressive and far more invasive strategy of surgery to remove the warts and the horns as they call the tree limb-like growths that surround his hands and feet. The American doctor had planned to use chemotherapy to treat the warts instead of the surgery as the warts would grow back after they were removed. This is a medical mystery that even the great Dr. Gregory House would have difficulty solving in one hour. Of course in real life this story takes place over the course of many months. The first part of the documentary is called Treeman: Half man Half Tree and the second is titled Treeman: Search for the Cure. I would recommend watching both, but the second one is clearly the stronger of the two as it involves the drama between the doctor and the Indonesian government and their differing approaches to trying to treat this man's incredibly strange disease.

The American doctor believes that Dede has a strange variant of the human papiloma virus or h.p.v. This virus has gained much attention in the United States due to some efforts to force young girls to have an h.p.v. vaccine in order to prevent them from getting the virus when they are older. You probably remember the commercials with children singing I want to be one less. Many parents were outraged by the the idea that they would be forced to give this vaccine to their child as a common way to get a form of h.p.v. is through unprotected sex. These parents argued that consenting to giving their child this vaccine pretty much gave the child carte blanche to have unprotected sex with numerous partners. Putting aside whether that argument actually makes sense in the real world it would seem to be the prudent thing to do to have the child take the vaccine. H.P.V. is a common precursor to ovarian cancer. If you could give your child a vaccine that would prevent them from getting lung cancer you would probably do it. Sure you would hope they don't start smoking, but if they did eventually start smoking or contracted lung cancer from some other environmental contaminant you would feel terrible knowing you could have prevented it. Is it that important to send a message that you don't condone their hypothetical promiscuity that you would risk turning them into laughingstock or worse that you would risk them eventually getting cancer. I mean how many times do you think they will hear the make like a tree and leave joke or some reference to the talking trees in the Wizard of Oz. Ask John Kerry about that joke he didn't even have tree limbs for arms and legs and he used to get that one all the time.

Full disclosure: I originally wrote this post to recommend the documentary and planned to include a joke about the one less commercial. Somehow I ended up with a long post that sounded like it was written by someone working for planned parenthood. Strange stuff indeed. I never actually got around to the joke either. I did not mean to get off on a rant and get preachy, but it just seems to be that protecting and educating your child would take precedence over any of your own moral views, but of course we know from the abstinence only education debate that this sort of stance is fairly common. I only know all of this stuff because of a previous job in the health care industry. Neither of these issues affect me personally as I am not yet a parent, but I tend to generally be in favor of education when compared to ignorance even if ignorance is in fact bliss.

Of course I would not make a serious argument that people should give their child this vaccine so they don't become a tree person as it is extremely unlikely they will contract that rare strain of h.p.v. as they would also have to have an almost non-existent immune system like Dede does. That said we know of the strange side-effects to the abstinence only education programs where let's just say some of those who followed it had a non-conventional way of keeping their virginity including some practices that were considered an affront to god. (See Sodom and Gomorrah) By not educating them fully they caused them to behave in ways which I'm sure they would not find acceptable although these methods do prevent pregnancy. Anyway enough ranting for today I seriously need to get a life I can't believe I actually lectured people about getting an h.p.v. vaccine for their children and making sure they give comprehensive sex education to their children. Seriously what is tomorrow's post going to be about making sure you put sunscreen on when you are going to be in the sun for a long period of time? I mean you should do that, but hopefully I don't end up writing that as I have enough trouble getting people to read my blog without turning it into a series of boring lectures about preventative medical care. On top of that I have that annoying one less song stuck in my head now. I can just imagine upset parents complaining that their child is going around the house singing that song. My how times have changed. I remember a simpler time when parents were upset that their child was listening to heavy metal or rap or music with profanity in it.

Lillian, Being Born on Christmas Day Is Usually Overrated

Normally I would not enthusiastically announce the birth of a baby on my blog. But it is with great pleasure that I announce the birth of my cousin's daughter Lillian. She was born today December 26th. The first reason I wouldn't announce that sort of thing is I don't think many people outside of those who know the mother or father would care and unlike the local newspaper I am not paid to make those sort of announcements. Also in most instances I would be more excited if someone told me they were getting a new puppy or even a kitten. This is nothing against babies personally, but more against their parents. Most parents do not appreciate it when you try to wrestle their newborn or try to play tug of war with them using their teeth or lack thereof on a dirty piece of rope. In addition to the previous comments which favor a puppy or a kitten to that of a newborn due mostly to the parent of the newborn, the puppy or kitten is a much more willing participant in games of tug of war and wrestling than newborns.

So having read the preceding paragraph you will know that there must be a reason I posted about the birth of my cousin's daughter. First let me say I am extremely happy for her and I was starting to become convinced the child was never coming out. I put a message on her Myspace page in jest saying that from my limited knowledge of childbirth I have learned that the child peeks out and if he or she sees her shadow it is 6 more months of childbirth if not he or she is born right around the corner. I admitted that I may have it reversed as I have difficulty remembering whether seeing the shadow means 6 more months or the birth being right around the corner. It is a relief that it only took a few days after I posted that message for her to have the baby as I was beginning to worry I would be blamed if it took an additional 6 months. Anyway I would also like to point out to anyone who told me that it is 6 weeks and not 6 month's you are clearly misinformed as that is Groundhog's Day and is not related in anyway to childbirth. Seriously it is insulting to anyone who has ever given birth to compare it to a Groundhog peeking out of a hole in the ground.

Another reason I am posting about this birth is that some have complained that they wished she had the baby on Christmas. I know it has been discussed many times before, but I think for the child's sake it is better she was not born on Christmas Day. Everyone knows being born on Christmas causes you to be gypped on the amount of presents you get. I don't think being born one day later is going to help much in that regard, but I think it helps diminish expectations. Think of television shows or newspapers that announce the birthdays of celebrities. If they only announce one on Christmas Day it is always going to be Jesus, unless Britney Spears is also born on Christmas in which case Entertainment Tonight or some other such show would list her instead. Being born on the 26th still means you have the same astrological sign as Jesus which is odd. Apparently Jesus is a Capricorn. Unless you believe new scientific findings that say Jesus was likely born in June, which would explain a lot he totally seems more like a Cancer or even a Gemini.

One other note I would like to make about the birth of my cousin's daughter is that her Myspace traffic has increased exponentially in the days leading up to the birth of her child. I don't normally click on people's Myspace page incessantly for updates, but I found myself checking her page with increasing frequency leading up to the birth to see if she had her baby or not. This gave me a thought. I should probably knock someone up in order to increase the traffic of my blog. Yeah I know there may be better ways to increase the traffic and I am working on it, but at least as far as getting friends and relatives to actually read my blog I can't think of a better way. What do you think? Should I do it or not? Also if anyone thinks it is a good idea and would like to volunteer to let me knock her up just post a comment or if you want to be discreet about it just email me.

Full disclosure: I do not know much about horoscopes so that comment about Jesus being more like one sign than another was purely in jest much like my mock outrage about finding out I was born in the year of the snake instead of the year of the horse. Also for anyone who thinks I am being too casual about knocking someone up or getting someone pregnant if you prefer, let me just say that I have given it some thought and to show the proper respect I will only do it if it is the old fashioned way. No needles, syringes or ivf just one man one woman and lots of alcohol. Also no money will be exchanged. Seriously everyone gets something you get a baby and I get increased blog traffic it is a win-win situation.

The Yankees Sign Cheeseburger to $15 Million Dollar Contract

Earlier today the Red Sox whom everyone assumed were going to sign free agent 1B Mark Teixeira were outbid at the last moment by the New York Yankees who seemingly didn't have any interest in him prior to learning the Red Sox were going to sign him. The Yankees have now spent over $400 million this off season while at the same time receiving hundreds of million dollars in tax relief from New York taxpayers for their new stadium that looks exactly like their old stadium.

A distraught Theo Epstein was going to a local takeout restaurant for a cheesburger. Upon learning this Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner insisted that GM Brian Cashman get on a plane to Boston and outbid Theo Epstein for the cheeseburger. Cashman managed to get to the restaurant just as Epstein was picking it up. He immediately offered $15 million for the burger which was approximately $14,999,990 more than Epstein had bid. Cashman said that as part of the agreement the restaraunt must guarantee that they would not serve Epstein or any other member of the Red Sox. The owner of the restaurant a lifelong Red Sox fan reluctantly took the offer and a dejected Theo Epstein was left holding his money with nothing to eat.

"I hate the Yankees and it was a difficult decision, but $15 million for one cheeseburger. My wife would have killed me if I had turned that down. Theo is a good guy and he comes in here all the time, but there are plenty of other places he can go. I'm closing this restaurant now anyway. I have $15 million dollars why do I want to run a takeout hamburger stand." -The Restaurant owner said.

"I made an offer that I believed was fair market value. I'm disappointed because I really wanted that burger, but I can always go somewhere else. I mean I can get a burger at Red Robin for $9 or so or even at Burger King for a few dollars. Although this was my favorite burger place in town I feel like I can get close to equal value somewhere else. I could even get Chinese or Pizza. I'm sure everyone is going to say the Yankees beat us again, but last time I checked the Yankees were not in the playoffs last year and were third in the AL East last year despite outspending everyone by a large margin." -Theo Epstein

In unrelated news the Yankees asked and were immediately granted $15 million more in taxpayer dollars for their new baseball stadium. Also the photo is not of the actual burger, but of a burger from Wendy's. A source inside the Yankees front office confirmed rumors that Hank Steinbrenner took a bite out of the burger and then threw it in the trash while laughing maniacally.

Miscellanea

A few thoughts that maybe don't really require their own post, may not be funny per se and are not necessarily informative. Also it is not a cohesive post, but more a random collection of thoughts. Now that I have lowered the expectations enough let me introduce you to miscellanea.

He went to Jared! Oh my god he went to Jared! At the moment that is my least favorite commercial. It has been on as often as those five dollar foot long Subway commercials. It reminds me that Jared is normally the spokesperson for Subway. It would seem that a woman would not want her husband to spend a huge amount of money on a wedding or engagement ring thus putting them in debt for the first few years of their marriage and causing them to be unable to afford to eat five dollar footlongs for dinner. Honey what's for dinner tonight? Ramen noodles again! I can't believe I went to Jared.

Do you not what really grinds my gears? When people you don't know say to you I can't believe it is so cold outside or I can't believe where getting all this snow. I inevitably ask them why they are sofa king we taded or say yeah imagine cold and snowing in mid-december in the northeast who would have thought that. I thought the weatherman was on drugs when he said it was going to snow this morning. Or I tell them how I thought I was the only one who complained about the snow and the cold and I think I may have found my soul mate. What a crazy world we live imagine more than 1 person in the northeast who isn't happy that it is freezing cold and snowy all winter. Will you marry me? Surprisingly three out of a hundred start crying and say yes. Twenty five out of a hundred say I would if you had went to Jared. Thirty two percent say let's take it slow how about we go for a cup of coffee first. The remaining fifty percent roll their eyes and walk away. I know it is strange I would have expected a few people to have a violent reaction. Also it is surprising that 33 percent suggest going out for coffee. Maybe it is because it is cold out. I don't know. Yeah I know it does sound like something I made up. Trust me though they get upset with the sarcastic remark about being sofa king and the crack about the weatherman although they usually agree that the weatherman doesn't know what he is doing. That is why I usually stick with the marriage one unless it is a guy then I say yeah it is sofa king cold and snowy. I've had bad experiences with that one otherwise and I don't really want to go into it.

I know I said there was no cohesiveness in this piece, but I wanted to comment on another commercial or rather a movie trailer I just saw on tv for the Spirit. It mentions how critics are raving about it. Showing notes from critics I have never heard of saying things like it is one of the best movies of the year. I think the internet makes it easier to find positive reviews and if they put the name of the critic in a small enough font and flash it across the screen fast enough people might believe it. I haven't really seen any positive reviews of that movie. I did find a few quotes for the next ad for the spirit. Alright maybe I made them up either way.

Scarlet Johansson's boobs look realllllllly nice in the trailer.
-Anonymous post on a message board.

Was the movie Yes Man based on Samuel L. Jackson because I don't think he has ever said no to any movie offer.
-Kevin Bacon in an interview on the set of Footloose 2

From the creator of 300 and Sin City. He created the graphic novels those movies were based on. He directed this one. Please make sure no one thinks I directed this movie.
-Robert Rodriguez on the set of Sin City 3 no seriously he is working on the 2nd and 3rd movies already. What's next From Dusk Til Dawn 4? Oh he's only producing that. Ok.

All kidding aside I will probably see the movie. Honestly did you see that trailer the "graphics" look reallllllly nice in the trailer.

Ok that wraps up the first edition of miscellanea. The grind my gears concept was lifted from Family Guy. Robert Rodriguez is really making Sin City 2 & 3. There are so many direct to dvd releases of sequels to From Dusk Til Dawn that trying to pull them up on imdb causes their servers to crash. I actually like ramen noodles, but I don't want to eat them for dinner every night. As far as I know Kevin Bacon is not making Footloose 2 yet. Also when I said "graphics" I actually meant boobs.

I Love Lamp, But Not Step Brothers?

The Title of this post is both an homage to one of the two movies starring Will Ferrel and directed by Adam McKay which I enjoyed and an indictment of the latest collaboration of the two. The I love lamp reference is pretty obvious if you've seen Anchorman and the question mark after the title is a reference to Ron Burgundy saying I'm Ron Burgundy as a question when reading his name off the teleprompter. The other Will Ferrel/Adam McKay movie which I did not reference was Talladega Nights. I understand why some people despise those two movies as I am in agreement on some of the criticisms, but there were some really funny parts that more than made up for their shortcomings. That said Step Brothers, the third film from Will Ferrel and Adam McKay, had too many shortcomings and not enough laughs for me to recommend it.

It was maybe four or five months ago when an old friend of mine got in touch with me after I had not talked to her in a few years. We planned to get together to catch up. I was extremely excited when I learned that there was a double feature playing at the local drive-in. I understand that the drive-in usually has a double feature so that was not what excited me nor was it the surprising revelation that there were still drive-in movie theaters. What excited me was that the first movie was Pineapple Express and the second movie was Step Brothers. Note added after the fact in case you are reading this it is not an indication of my lack of excitement over catching up with my old friend that I mentioned being extremely excited over the lineup at the drive-in and not over catching up with my old friend. I was equally excited over both. Well maybe slightly more enthusiastic about the movie lineup. (Just kidding)

I had seen all the trailers for both of these films. I was a fan of the stars and the writers of each of the films so I was really excited. Thankfully I figured my friend would be up for this as I remembered that she had a pretty good sense of humor. She agreed and we were on our way. She was...Oh wait I lost track of my thought process and began typing an old Will Smith song. That is the sort of thing that happens when you are trying to blog and watch tv at the same time. Anyway back to the point of this post if there is one. Yes I remember we went to the drive-in. I won't go into detail but Pineapple Express was everything I expected and more. Often when watching a comedy I find myself having to overlook the plot, the acting, the directing and many other aspects of the movie as long as it is funny. This is usually the case in a Will Ferrel movie for example. There really is not much I would complain about regarding Pineapple Express. There is the usual complaint about films from the Judd Apatow Universe of films in that they usually have an average looking at best guy who really has nothing going for him in his life, but he somehow manages to have an extremely attractive girlfriend. See also Forgetting Sarah Marshall (which I have not seen yet, but apparently the average guy in that movie gets two beautiful women). See also Knocked Up. Being a man of average looks who really doesn't have a lot going for him I don't have a problem with this sort of thing, but I can understand the complaint. Ok that was actually more detail than I planned on and I managed to mix in some self-depractation that wasn't really even that funny so I will leave the description of Pineapple Express at that.

So after watching Pineapple Express I was ready for more of the same with Step Brothers. I realized it would probably not be as complete a movie as Pineapple Express, but I expected a simliar amount of laughs if not more. By the end of the movie I was looking at my watch, yawning and trying to stretch my legs. By the end of the movie there were not many cars left in the drive-in. This could be because of the nature of the drive-in in general. Not everyone goes to the drive-in to watch the movie and three plus hours sitting in your car is not exactly comfortable. Also I believe they showed all of the funniest parts in the trailers and advertisements for the movie which is why I try to avoid trailers for comedies I plan on seeing.

My friend agreed with me that Pineapple Express was really good and Step Brothers was terrible. I didn't really think much more about the movie after that, but I have since heard many people say they really liked Step Brothers. It caused me to revisit my original opinion and consider that it may not have been the movie itself that caused me to have a negative reaction to it. The setting in which I watched the film, the quality of the previous film and the fact that by the time the second movie was on my mind was in a completely different place and I was thinking of other things may have contributed to my impression of the film. Maybe it was like going to a concert where the opening act puts on a great show so you don't really appreciate the headliner. I think if the order of the two films were reversed maybe my opinion of Step Brothers would have been different although I am confident I would have still enjoyed Pineapple Express. Also I imagine that if under similar circumstances I was seeing either Talladega Nights or Anchorman for the first time in place of Step Brothers I may not have enjoyed those as much.I have decided to give the movie a second chance in the near future and try to completely forget my first impression of the movie thus attempting to disprove the old deodorant axiom stating you never get a second chance to make a first impression. So the question to ask is Do I really hate Step Brothers or am I just saying that because I saw it after Pineapple Express?

The All Time 5 Greatest Christmas Movies or Specials that I Can Think Of at the Moment

I decided to post a list of my favorite Christmas movies today as there is currently a rather large snowstorm going on outside and I am not sure if there will be power or internet service in the near future. Thankfully it is not an ice storm this time. I was one of the lucky few in my area who did not lose power or internet service during the recent ice storm we had. I know everyone does these lists, but I think mine is the best list far and away. Since it only includes 5 movies and 1 movie that could potentially move onto the list in the future I am not forced to add movies that I don't really enjoy. I usually make it a point to watch all 5 of the movies listed every year. So far I have not watched any of them this year, but I believe all of these movies are on television or cable in the next few days. If not you can rent them on DVD.

These movies are listed in the order I thought of them and in no way is it an indication of which one is my favorite as they all have a special place in my heart. I would also like to mention that I have for the most part stopped watching the old Christmas cartoon specials and I will never under any circumstances watch the Hallmark movie Christmas specials. With that said I will now unveil to you the Christmas movies that are a must watch for me every year.

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas
Before anyone asks me which Grinch movie I am referring to let me be clear to me there is only one Grinch movie and it does not star Jim Carrey nor is it directed by Opie or Richie Cunningham. I think of all the movies on my list this is the most likely to eventually drop off my list of must see Christmas movies, but it doesn't really feel like Christmas unless I have seen the Grinch sledding down the mountain with his cute-goofy-looking dog/reindeer.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

It is probably not as good as the original National Lampoon's Vacation, but it is clearly superior to the European or Vegas Vacations that the Griswold clan probably should have kept as a home movie and not released to the public. Also I have been watching it for years with my brother so for nostalgic reasons I look forward to watching it every Christmas season. That is of course a general theme in this column.

Scrooged

Scrooged is one of many movies I can think of off the top of my head that would likely have been easily forgettable if someone else starred in the lead role instead of Bill Murray. Just imagine if Robin Williams, Dan Akroyd or some other 80's comedian starred in this movie. Actually maybe Steve Martin would have been good in this role, but you get the point.

A Christmas Story

The movie is still humorous after all these years and is pretty subversive for a holiday classic. I don't think there is a movie that better captures what it is like to be a young kid during the holiday season. Ralphie desperately wants the Red Rider bb gun, but being a kid he has no control of whether he will receive it or not. He has to listen to adults tell him how dangerous the gun is and of course the Little Orphan Annie secret decoder ring is a huge disappointment. He is forced to wear bunny pajamas because he got them as a gift from his aunt. All of these misfortunes will be worth it if he gets the bb gun for Christmas. If by some miracle you have not seen this movie yet it is played around the clock on Christmas every year on TBS.

It's A Wonderful Life

Surprisingly this is only a recent addition to my holiday must see list. If you have never see it before because it appears to be a boring old sappy Christmas special. Well it is old and sappy and of course things turn out well in the end, but it is not boring. Every year I am surprised to remember how funny it is and also how unlikely it is that a movie with such a controversial subject matter ever became the most beloved and popular holiday classic. It truly is a Wonderful Life, but it is not all hot cocoa, chestnuts and sugar plums along the way. This is of course a message that is applicable not only on the holidays but year round.

Future Additions to the List?

I don't believe there are any obvious omissions in my list of my favorite Christmas movies. There is only one recent movie that I can see possibly making it on to the list in the years to come. That movie is Bad Santa. It is raunchy and politically incorrect, but ultimately like most holiday movies it has a sweet message wrapped inside it of that gruff exterior. It will take years of repeated viewing in order to make the list as that is the point of a beloved holiday classic. It helps to get you in the Christmas spirit because it reminds you of past Christmases when you sat around and watched it with family and friends. As always I encourage anyone who reads this to comment about my list or maybe give a list of your own. Unfortunately I had to omit Born on the Fourth of July starring Tom Cruise which is a great holiday movie which gets everyone in the Fourth of July holiday spirit, but this is a list of my favorite Christmas Holiday movies or specials not a list of holiday movies as a whole.

Who Framed Roger Clemens?

I made a reference to the movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit yesterday even though I had not seen the movie in about a decade. Then today I turn on the television and it is on. The movie was released in 1988 and Roger Clemens was still on the Red Sox and in the prime of his baseball career. He was destined for the Hall of Fame and to go down as one of the greatest pitchers of all time. He was my favorite baseball player and I was twelve years old at the time. The age of twelve is a confusing time in a young boy's life. I am still a big baseball fan, but I'll never love baseball as much as I did at or before the age of twelve. Also when I was twelve I started noticing girls. I don't really remember Roger Clemen's wife, but I certainly remember Roger Rabbit's wife. Roger and Jessica Rabbit formed what was probably the most mismatched couple in Hollywood until recently when Turtle from Entourage started dating Meadow Soprano on Entourage and in real life.

I remember in 1988 when the Red Sox lost to the A's and everyone talked about how Jose Canseco of the A's was on steroids. Now fast forward 20 years later and Canseco was the whistleblower that eventually led to the ruin of the reputations of Clemens and of Canseco's teammate Mark McGuire. There are more stories in the news today discussing Clemen's former trainer Brian McNamee's cooperation with the federal government regarding Clemen's use of performance enhancing drugs. Clemens of course denied using p.e.d.s under oath in front of Congress so he has set himself up for a possible perjury conviction. Unfortunately unlike Roger Rabbit I don't think Brian McNamee or anyone else framed Roger Clemens. I believe he used performance enhancing drugs. Also I believe Jessica Rabbit had some artificial enhancements as well although I was never under the illusion that she was all natural. I mean seriously have you ever seen a woman built like that without having had a little work done. I long ago lost any positive feelings I once had about Roger Clemens, but watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit I still get a funny feeling when Jessica Rabbit comes on the screen. She is a cartoon it just wouldn't be natural besides she is married to Roger Rabbit and he may be a little weird but he seems like a good guy. I am ashamed to admit that despite her being married to Roger Rabbit and being a cartoon I still would like to play pattycake with her after all these years. Roger Rabbit you are one lucky guy.

Who Throws I Shoe? I mean Honestly

We finally have an answer to the question Austin Powers asked in response to the assassin who threw a shoe at him. Apparently Iraqi journalists throw shoes and it is considered an especially egregious insult in Iraq to show someone the sole of your shoe or in this case throw it at them, not to mention it is painful if it hits you in the face. Luckily the shoe-throwing journo was no match for our heroic President and his catlike reflexes.



It is scary to think how easy it is for someone to attack the President. Thankfully it was a only a pair of shoes and not something more dangerous. Also although it is probably more skill than luck it is impressive that the Decider was able to react in such a timely manner. It almost looked like he was expecting such a thing and I guess maybe that explains why he sometimes has difficulty with his speeches. I think it must be difficult to focus on your speech when you are constantly scanning the audience for would be shoe tossers.

Update: I put this clip on the site in case by some miracle someone had not seen this video yet. When I posted it I had just seen it for the first time. Of course everyone has seen it by now. Also I was watching one of the national news networks and they showed a video someone had made with an animated George W. mouthing the words of Austin Powers which apparently were slightly different than the one's I used from memory. He says "Who Throws I Shoe. Honestly. You fight like a woman." A quick search shows many other people had the same thought. It was pretty obvious although I could have made a cheap pun instead of an obvious movie reference.

Preferred Shipping Method: Overnight, Ground or Pony Express?

I don't often purchase big ticket items. This is even true when I am in really good shape financially. The biggest exception to this rule was my car that I bought almost 8 years ago and to a lesser extent the 42 inch lcd hdtv I bought two years ago this Thanksgiving. It was (price omitted by editor) at the time which for the quality of television I was buying was a great deal. It is easy to forget now but hdtvs were extremely expensive in the not so distant past. When I bought the television all of my finances were in order and I have to say although it may be difficult for some to believe I really feel like it has been well worth the money.

Recently my television fell ill so I brought it to the local electronics hospital. They are the only place that repairs electronics anywhere near where I live so I didn't really have a choice. Everyone I know who has ever brought anything to them to fix has told me horrific tales of their service. Again I didn't have a choice to go somewhere else so I begrudgingly brought my beautiful wounded television to them in hopes they could resurrect it. I had to leave them a deposit of (dollar amount omitted by editor) to get them to look at and they said if it was going to cost over (dollar amount omitted by editor) to fix it they would call and ask if I wanted to fix it. If it was under (dollar amount omitted by editor) they would fix it without calling. As much as I didn't want to pay more than (dollar amount omitted by editor) dollars to fix it I knew that even with the recent price drops for the holidays I would not be able to get a comparable television for anywhere near that price so I would be willing to fix it for more than that price.

I waited for them to call, but they never did. I dropped it off on October 30th. When I called a few weeks later they said they had not looked at it yet. I called back a week later and was told it was going to cost approximately (dollar amount omitted by editor) to fix it. They did not call me as they said they would if it was going to cost more than (dollar amount omitted by editor) and it was just expensive enough that I really couldn't justify spending that much to fix it, but I reluctantly told them to do it. They told me it was going to take two weeks to get the part and another week to fix it. If what they told me is actually accurate, which is highly unlikely because it would be the first thing they told me that they followed through on, that means I dropped the television off on the day before Halloween and got it back a week before Christmas. I can't imagine a company being less efficient.

Imagine if you went to the hospital and they told you they you they were going to have to give you a kidney transplant. You would surely be upset and assume that you would be on a waiting list. Imagine then after two weeks they said no there is no waiting list they actually have the part we are going to order it tomorrow and it will be here in two weeks. It will take us a week to fix it. Now I know it can take a long time to get organs due to having to find a match and it is just a metaphor I realize my television being repaired is not as important as someone receiving a kidney, but in the time it took them to diagnose and fix my television I could have taken a course on fixing televisions traveled to wherever it is they are ordering their parts from and fixed the damn thing myself. Of course they haven't actually fixed it yet so I am probably being too optimistic in my assessment of their service.

I referenced the Pony Express in the title of this post, but I think I was not harsh enough in my criticism. If someone was living in Massachusetts in the year 1770 they would have expected to receive goods from the Dutch East India Company quicker than my television will likely be fixed. They would have been shipped from Europe by boat and the parts from my television were likely shipped from New Jersey or possibly from the far off land of California. If it was California I humbly apologize to the noble television smith who fixed my television as it is a great journey by pony from the land of California. I should be grateful that by some wonderful Providence the part ever made it. Oh wait I haven't actually confirmed that they received the part yet. So in the meantime I pray for the health of the pony and the courageous carrier who has traversed the difficult terrain all the way from California to attempt to deliver the part to the local television smith in hopes that he can use his skills learned in his years of apprenticeship in the Television Smith Guild of America to fix whatever ails that magic box I have given him.

It Does What It's Told

Tonight I watched the movie American Gangster. The movie was filled with a-list Hollywood actors such as Denzel Washington, Russell Crowe and Josh Brolin. I'm not here to write a review of the film or to discuss the aforementioned stars. I instead want to talk about the actor who played Detective Lou Tobac. His name is Ted Levine. He played a limited role in the movie and I didn't have a problem with his acting, but as soon as I heard his voice I was distracted for the rest of the movie. The problem is that in a previous role he played one of the most infamous and twisted characters in movie history. The character was so memorable that I had a hard time picturing him now being a law-abiding dectective. I am referring to his role in the Oscar winning film Silence of the Lambs. Everyone knows who Anthony Hopkins and Jodie Foster are and they have been in so many movies over the years, that even though they may be best known for their roles in Lambs, it is easier to suspend belief and pretend they are whatever characters they are playing at that particular time. Ted Levine however is not as famous and although his imdb profile suggests he has been in a number of movies I don't really remember many of them. He of course played Buffalo Bill the gender-bending serial killer who has since ironically become somewhat of an unintentional comedy legend.

I don't really have anyway of knowing how successful he has become because of that role or conversely how his success may have been hindered by the success of that role. Maybe he wasn't actually typecast as only being able to play gender-bending serial killers or maybe he wasn't blackballed, but my guess is that his success in playing one of the more memorable serial killers in the history of cinema has actually negatively affected his career. The character he played is still entrenched in popular culture many years after the film was released. South Park did a show where Butters and Cartman play a game called Lambs in the basement in which they re-enact the scene where he tells his victim to put the lotion in the basket. In the movie Clerks 2 Jay (played by Jason Mewes) does an eerily accurate impression of Buffalo Bill outside of the fast food restaraunt.

You often hear horror stories of former child stars who are typecast because of their earlier success. People assume because they played a bit part in some cheesy sitcom that they are incapable of acting in more demanding roles, Leo Dicaprio being a notable exception. I have seen movies and television shows where the premise of the show or movie is a former star having difficulty trying to find new work after being successful in a role playing a character who was widely admired. It seems to me it would be more interesting seeing how the public reacts to someone who was infamous for a character he played who made their skin crawl. Certainly there are probably some sociopaths who admire the Buffalo Bill character just as there are people who want to be Tony Montana or Tony Soprano. (I thought of just referencing Tony Montana but I thought there may be some readers who thought he was that redneck who is Hannah Montana's dad.) Aside from these people there are most likely many others who can appreciate the work of this gifted actor and I can picture some of the requests his agent receives on a regular basis.

Yeah Ted I'm sorry I don't have any new scripts for you. Yeah I know it is unfair, a producer just told me yesterday he thought you would make a great Santa Claus in that new Holiday movie, but he was afraid that parents would walk out of the theater upon learning Buffalo Bill was playing Santa Claus. Yes he realized that you didn't actually murder people and were only playing a character, but unfortunately a large portion of the viewing public has trouble differentiating fiction from reality. Yeah I know, but I did receive another request for you to dress up as Buffalo Bill for this party. Also I know you are hesitant to do that advertisement for the lotion company. They don't even want you to dress up as Buffalo Bill. I know how you feel about it, but they are offering good money and I think it may be time to start embracing these offers to reprise the Buffalo Bill character. Stallone still makes Rocky and Rambo movies. Bruce Willis continues to make Die Hard movies. Arnold made a Terminator movie a few years ago and still uses old lines from his movies in his Gubenatorial speeches. I think maybe you should lighten up about this a little. Maybe the cartoon where you star as the voice of Buffalo Bill doesn't interest you, but I don't understand why you can't do the lotion commercial or the occasional party where you do the Buffalo Bill dance or at least tell someone to put the lotion in the basket. Even OJ just decided to play the part of a defendant on trial again. I thought he would have been typecast as a football player too. Who would have guessed it would turn out this way. I know Hollywood is crazy. Alright at least do me one favor record this message for that celebrity voicemail service. It leaves the message after the beep or else it won't get a call back. It does what it's told.

Link(s)

I don't normally post a link section on this blog, but in light of this breaking story by the satirical website the Onion I felt it necessary to make an exception. Many have worried about the lengthy period of time for the transition to Obama's presidency and feared that Bush as a lame duck for two months gave him ample time for another one of his many tragic mishaps. Fear not as this Onion story shows we are in good hands now.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/supreme_court_overturns_bush_v

Year of the Snake: What Earth Shattering Revelation Is Next?

I was in the middle of making a few more minor cosmetic changes to the blog, when everything I thought I knew about myself was proven to be false. I recently added a list of the blogs I read and I was in the process of re-arranging the widgets on the left-hand side of the page. I saw my profile and realized that I should probably make a few changes to it. I added my birthday and clicked the box that said add astrological signs. I waited for it to fill in Aquarius and the Year of the Horse, but much to my surprise it came back with Year of the Snake. I had not taken into account the differing calendar the Chinese use when figuring which Zodiac year I was born. Of course I immediately had to re-evaluate everything about my life. If I was not correct in my assumption that I was born in the year of the Horse what other bit of biographical information was I wrong about. Maybe I was not born in 1978. Maybe I am actually Jewish. I do have an affinity for bagels. I haven't quite been able to grasp the enormity of this recent discovery, but needless to say it is life-changing. I'm now afraid to add the movies I like as the magic blogger profile wizard may lead me to discover that I actually liked the movie Step Brothers. It would make sense because I usually like Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, but I really did not like that movie or at least I don't think I did. I guess if Blogger knows what year I was born I should probably just submit to its vast knowledge and assume it knows which movies I like. I mean it is owned by Google so there is a good chance it does know more about me than I do.

Lamenting the Commenting or Lack There of

There are exciting things in store in the near future that I am looking forward to officially announcing. At the moment though the blog has hit a bit of a lull and I will take some of the blame as I know the blog has not been as good as it could have been. That said I think the brunt of the criticism should go to the readers of this blog. Some of you don't visit it often at all and when you do you roll your eyes and fail to even add a comment. Seriously you have to start putting a little more effort into this blog. This blog is not about me it is about you. When I continue to post without getting any feedback either positive or negative I begin to lose interest in posting. Sometimes I feel like more people would read the blog if it was a private diary I kept locked under my bed. I understand if sometimes you don't have anything to say or maybe what you have to say isn't nice so you listen to the advice your parents gave you and decide not to comment at all. So my idea is if you don't have anything to say, but you want to show that you are at least reading the blog it is acceptable to simply post a comment saying present. There were many days in school where I didn't want to participate in a class discussion, but participation was mandatory. It causes resentment and I don't want my readers to resent me. So now it is time to check the attendance. Is there anybody out there? Bueller...Bueller...anyone?

The Unhappy Face Phenomenon Will It Change the World As We Know It?

Here is an excerpt from an article from the National Geographic's online News by Andrew Farzekas describing an interesting alignment of the heavens that will occur tonight.

Skywatchers across the world are in for a celestial treat
Monday night as two of the brightest naked-eye planets, Venus
and Jupiter, join a thin crescent moon to create a brief "unhappy face" in the
sky. The planets appeared closest together—an event known as a planetary
conjunction—Sunday night.

I am no expert on the subject of astrology, but if I am not mistaking when Venus and Jupitor are aligned with the moon in such a way that it creates an "unhappy face" we are all in deep shit. Surprisingly the horoscope in my local newspaper did not have an apocryphal tone to it. Since they are obviously the foremost experts in the field as evidenced by their publication in a highly-respected newspaper and I am a novice at such predictions I will give them the benefit of the doubt in this instance.

Here is another excerpt from a later part of the article.

In fact, some historians think that a similar conjunction between Jupiter and
Venus in 2 B.C. may be the source of the "star of Bethlehem" story related in the
Bible. The stellar pair would have appeared so close together, scholars think,
that they might have seemed to meld into one brilliant beacon of light.

Well I will ignore the biblical implications and instead focus on what we are all thinking. How will this affect the powers of the people on the highly-rated documentary Heroes? Instead of just wondering I have managed to secure an interview with the famed Dr. Mohinder Suresh. For the purposes of this post let's just say I did anyway.

Q: Dr. Suresh it is a pleasure to interview a man who is clearly on the bleeding-edge of genetics research. Also I think you may be the most effective narrator since Morgan Freeman. Before we get into more serious questions I wonder why there has not been some sort of cross-promotional synergy between Heroes and either McDonald's or Burger King. I remember constantly seeing commercials when I was growing up promoting the latest happy meal toy from some Disney movie or the Ghostbusters.

A: You've got to be pulling my leg. I am a man of science. I am taking time away from my valuable research to answer your questions if you continue asking imbecillic questions like this I will be forced to cut this interview short.

Q: I apologize Dr. Suresh I am a great admirer of your work as I have noted already. Let me see ok I will rip up my next question as I was going to ask you about your relationship with suspected mass murder Maya... I'm sorry I don't know her last name. I am going to have to fire all of my interns and assistants. Actually I don't have any I should probably hire some. I wanted to impress you so I said that to make it seem as though I am more successful than I actuall am. I am sorry about that. Anyway like I said I am not going to ask that question because I don't want to end up in a cocoon. Don't you think it is dangerous for everyone to have super abilities. We have already seen evidence of what can go wrong if these powers are in the wrong hands.

A: That is similar to the debate that has been going on around the world regarding gun control. We know there are some criminals who have powers that will use their wonderful abilites for ill and there are some who will use them for good. If you make them illegal then only the bad guys will have the abilities. What makes someone become a hero instead of becoming a villian is one of the fundemental questions I ask myself everyday. Each week on Monday nights at 9:00 on NBC tune in to see the fascinating stories of heroes and villians and perhaps you will have a greater understanding of why this research is so crucial.

Q: Wow for someone who claims to be all about his research you do a pretty good job of self-promotion. We saw how the eclipse took away the powers of those with special abilities do you think this new celestial phenomenon being described by experts as an unhappy face will cause a similar disruption of the powers of the extra-abled or will there be a different result entirely?

A: I wish I knew the answer to your question. We are working to find the answer to this and other great mysteries tune in this Monday at 9:00 for more answers.

Q: Wow you are quite possibly more shameless than Dr. Phil although obviously your medical credentials were not won as a prize in a crackerjack box. Please as a favor to me read this narration I have written for a hypothetical commercial I wrote for a Heroes-McDonald's promotion.

A: Alright I am doing this only because I believe that if we had McDonald's considerable funding and research capabilities it would greatly enhance our current research. I for one am in awe of the great work they did in coming up with their special sauce. I don't know that it has been successfully duplicated and despite the great efforts by those who would like to have their hands on it no one has come across this secret formula.

In every man's life he faces a great dilemna. Will he choose the righteous path or will he instead choose villainy. Of course any true Hero will choose to go to McDonalds over its competitors as McDonalds is a force for good in the world as evidenced by the Ronald McDonald House Charity. The tough decision is whether to get a tasty 6 piece chicken nugget made with all juicy succulent white meat or to get a full quarter pound of beef with or without cheese depending on whether you were born with the ability to digest dairy. Of course if you are in fact a genuine hero then you deserve the mother of all burgers the Big Mac. Peter Petrelli eats them all the time don't you want to grow up to be as powerful as him? Stop by your local McDonalds today and for a limited time you can get a Hero of your own for only $4.99 with the purchase of any value meal.

Q: Is there anything that you cannot make sound incredibly important?

A: I will leave it to others to decide that, but don't forget to watch Heroes Mondays at 9 on NBC where every question you have will be answered. If you don't watch the world as we know it may be forever altered as you watched every episode in the utoptian future that was recently described to me by my friend Hiro Nakamura and by not watching it in the present the Butterfly Effect will take effect and for all we know this may cause the world as we know it to cease to exist.

Q: I don't have any more questions, but let me just say I seriously hope you are a Hero because I would hate to imagine the implications of a great narrator gone bad. Could you imagine if Morgan Freeman used his great oratory skills to convince people that Andy Dufresne was actually a villain. I shudder to think of a world where such a thing is possible.