Earlier today the Red Sox whom everyone assumed were going to sign free agent 1B Mark Teixeira were outbid at the last moment by the New York Yankees who seemingly didn't have any interest in him prior to learning the Red Sox were going to sign him. The Yankees have now spent over $400 million this off season while at the same time receiving hundreds of million dollars in tax relief from New York taxpayers for their new stadium that looks exactly like their old stadium.
A distraught Theo Epstein was going to a local takeout restaurant for a cheesburger. Upon learning this Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner insisted that GM Brian Cashman get on a plane to Boston and outbid Theo Epstein for the cheeseburger. Cashman managed to get to the restaurant just as Epstein was picking it up. He immediately offered $15 million for the burger which was approximately $14,999,990 more than Epstein had bid. Cashman said that as part of the agreement the restaraunt must guarantee that they would not serve Epstein or any other member of the Red Sox. The owner of the restaurant a lifelong Red Sox fan reluctantly took the offer and a dejected Theo Epstein was left holding his money with nothing to eat.
"I hate the Yankees and it was a difficult decision, but $15 million for one cheeseburger. My wife would have killed me if I had turned that down. Theo is a good guy and he comes in here all the time, but there are plenty of other places he can go. I'm closing this restaurant now anyway. I have $15 million dollars why do I want to run a takeout hamburger stand." -The Restaurant owner said.
"I made an offer that I believed was fair market value. I'm disappointed because I really wanted that burger, but I can always go somewhere else. I mean I can get a burger at Red Robin for $9 or so or even at Burger King for a few dollars. Although this was my favorite burger place in town I feel like I can get close to equal value somewhere else. I could even get Chinese or Pizza. I'm sure everyone is going to say the Yankees beat us again, but last time I checked the Yankees were not in the playoffs last year and were third in the AL East last year despite outspending everyone by a large margin." -Theo Epstein
In unrelated news the Yankees asked and were immediately granted $15 million more in taxpayer dollars for their new baseball stadium. Also the photo is not of the actual burger, but of a burger from Wendy's. A source inside the Yankees front office confirmed rumors that Hank Steinbrenner took a bite out of the burger and then threw it in the trash while laughing maniacally.
4 comments:
I think anyone not sharing your zeal for the Sox or hatred of the Evil Empire will not fully appreciate your attempt at humor in this one. But all the same I'm sure it was a useful theraputic tool in moving on from the whole half-billion dollar and counting off season that has been the Yankees playing Monopoly while the rest of MLB is playing Life.
Yes it was helpful to me and I am surprised that Bobby did not comment on this one. He appears to have mellowed somewhat over the years.
He is the only Yankee fan who reads this blog.
Perhaps most Yankee fans don't know how to read?
Possibly but from reading sports-related websites over the years I know they are able to write hateful comments on message boards or websites. For example after they signed Texeira they said things like.
Yeah Yankees back Red Sux crap. Now sign Manny, Lowe and trade for Peavy. F everyone else they just jealous cuz Yankees ownars ain't not cheap ass like they owners is.
They just expect there team to add every single big free agent or whoever is available in trade and why wouldn't they since that is pretty much what they did this year. Also I had difficulty conveying just how annoying their fans are in general, but to be fair some Red Sox fans have become obnoxious in recent years too.
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